Made For Love - Understanding Identity in Adoption

Currently we are taking on a new project, that is, writing a practical manual for Chinese families who are considering adoption. Until now, we have worked primarily with children inside orphanages and from disadvantaged family situations. We have also worked with adoptive families in China and abroad, whose experiences, struggles, and reflections have helped shape our understanding. This manual is our first attempt to organize the knowledge we have accumulated so far into a tool kit for domestic families who are preparing to adopt today.

As we started writing, one topic quickly stood out as both essential and difficult: identity. In the English-speaking adoption community, identity is a central concept. It refers to a person’s internal sense of who they are, where they come from, and where and how they belong. Adoption professionals speak openly about “adoptive identity development”, “narrative integration”, etc. However, in everyday Chinese family culture, identity is usually understood more externally: family name, ancestry line, social role and status, or household registration. 

Often, the question of identity is inseparable from another deeply rooted practice, where adoptive parents do not tell their child about the adoption. This is meant to protect, especially for those who are adopted young (Many parents who adopt older children also try to avoid this topic). In their view, knowledge of earlier abandonment or institutional care might burden the child, cause insecurity, or bring about social stigma and even bullying. Silence means a clean slate, a shield, as if to say, “if you never have to know, you can grow up carefree.” 

At the same time, children grow up, and they cannot help but notice and wonder. Questions emerge when they compare faces, family stories, and medical histories, for example. It is human nature to seek coherence in their life stories, and what begins as protection may gradually become an obstacle to trust and self-understanding. 

In our manual, we treat secrecy not as a mistake to correct, but a caring strategy that needs to evolve as the child grows. We present quotes and examples from real adoptees who shared their experience of secrecy and openness. We show that disclosure is not something that we do “in the heat of the moment”, but a continuous conversation that grows with the child. Therefore, an important question to ask is: “How can we share our child’s story in ways that feel safe and age-appropriate at each phase of their development?” 

Once parents begin to see silence and secrecy as flexible, talking about identity start to make sense. Identity is introduced as the child’s developing answer to “Who am I, and where do I belong?” We emphasize that adoption does not erase a child’s earlier story, even when that story is painful or unknown. Instead, adoptive parents become companions in helping the child hold their whole story safely. 

Our hope is simple: to help Chinese adoptive families understand that identity is not a problem to prevent, but a process to protect and support. Honesty, openness, and respect for the child’s questions are not foreign ideas—they are acts of care that help children grow into secure, whole adults.