When we encounter behavioral issues in children impacted by traumatic experiences (such as abandonment, loss, and chaotic family situations), we believe it is crucial to remind ourselves that often, a child’s undesirable behaviors are triggered by unmet needs and/or trauma from the past.
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Traumatic experiences often sabotage a child’s sense of
safety and trust in adults. For example, Q spent his first few years in a
traditional institutional care setting, where caregivers worked in shifts taking
care of multiple infants. He was fed and changed regularly, but meaningful
interactions were limited. Now at the age of 7, he loses his temper very often.
This is not because he is defiant, or mean, but because the ability to
self-regulate emotions develops through co-regulation with a trusted adult,
which Q never had when he was little.
Being mindful of how a child's past influences their present behavior means we need to be able to understand the lived experience of the child.
In our projects, we recognize that infants need meaningful interactions with consistent caregivers in order to learn to regulate their emotions. Because of this we prioritize responsive, nurturing care for every child we care for, beginning as early as possible.
We provide trainings to our staff members to help them see beyond surface behaviors. To help the children heal and grow, we need to be careful and avoid pointing fingers at the child. Instead, we need to be curious and observant about what is really happening...
For example - one day, when all of the children were outside jumping rope, a staff member noticed Q was stomping his feet, pouting, and tears welled up in his eyes.
Staff:
Hey, Q. You look upset. Could you tell me what is going on?
Q:
No good! No good! I’m no good!!
Staff:
Sounds like you are unhappy about something right now. What’s wrong?
Q:
I can’t jump rope more times!
Staff:
Ah, I see! You want to be able to jump more times than you already can. I saw
you were doing great just now.
Q:
But that boy over there can jump rope 100 times! But I can’t!!
Staff:
Ah, that’s what you are upset about. … Really? Can he?
Q:
Yes, he can! I saw it! Why can’t I do it? I want to do it! [Q is getting upset
again.]
Staff knew the other boy was unable to do so. Maybe it was
miscalculation? She decided to not debate with Q about whether the other boy could
do so much.
Staff::
You really want to be able to jump rope like him, I see. You are 7 right now,
and he is already 10. You are 3 years younger than him. Perhaps that’s why?
Just be patient and keep practicing.
Q:
But I WANT TO be like him NOW!! [Stomping feet]
Staff:
It’s hard to be patient and you can’t wait anymore. [Q nodded]. How about you
practice and practice every day, and I can watch you and help you count?
Q:
OK!
Q cheered up, and started jumping rope again.
This is just a small episode in our everyday life where
listening and attentiveness helps regulate a child’s emotion. When the staff
member validated Q’s eagerness to excel and the feelings that came with it, his
needs—to be loved, heard, accepted, to belong, to do well—were being met. He
also learned that adults can be trusted. Of course, he still has a long way to
go, and it is but one small yet critical step of helping him learn to regulate
his emotions.
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Loving a wounded child requires the child feel seen, heard, and understood. We are devoted to creating a safe and nurturing environment where opportunities are provided every day for the child to freely express themself.
We as adults are there to listen, to help them make sense of their emotions, and to teach them to master healthy coping mechanisms. As we listen to and understand a child’s unique experiences, we respect their dignity, promote their sense of belonging and self-worth, and support their development and well-being.
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